Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

I've sat here for the past 2 hours, staring at the wall and thinking.

I attended my last board meeting at Theatre Aurora tonight and I feel so conflicted.

Part of me wants to turn cartwheels and shout for joy that my 2 year term is up at the end of the month. Another part feels like it's being ripped to shreds.

I probably should have turned down the nomination of Secretary in the first place. I joined the Board when my son was a mere 5 weeks old. I think I was relieved when I was asked. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to do theatre with a baby. Turns out that wasn't exactly true. I asked several times for the job description and what the time and energy commitment would be. I wanted to make sure that, with a 2 year commitment, I wasn't going to bite off more than I could chew. What I was told and what actually happened were miles apart. Perhaps I should have also asked if the woman from the nominating committee had ever served on the Board. She hadn't. I think she just made up an answer to whatever I asked.

On the whole, my time on the Board was miserable. This was my first time on a Board of Directors. I don't know if it's a normal thing or not, but I wasn't prepared for all the in fighting. There were so many egos and hidden agenda and personality conflicts that I don't think we actually got anything accomplished during the first year. The second years was better. Somewhat. A few changes in people helped. We started the season really pushing the idea that this is supposed to be fun. Energy was much improved. Then the same old, soul sucking, joy killing drain crept in. The membership, as a whole, is completely disengaged. As a community theatre, we rely on our membership to volunteer to work on shows and other things around the theatre. No one is willing to help. We've had to pull out of two parades and a street sale because there was no one to work on it. We only ask for a couple of hours of your time. Hand out Playbills at the street festival, work Front of House for a night (you get to see the show for free!), ride in the parade or help decorate a float for an afternoon with some friends...we're really not asking that much! So it's fallen to the Board to do everything. Add in an economic downturn and the theatre is in some pretty serious trouble. We're hanging on, largely thank to a really good VP Finance who is able to stay on top of everything and has been helping to guide us through these tough times.

I was not a good Secretary. I wish I could say that I was. Truth be told, I stopped trying. I didn't know how to do the job and despite asking, never got answers to my questions (I'd never done minutes before, was being asked to do things that were not the secretary's job...but I didn't know that since I never got a job description, etc).

So if it was so horrible, why am I going to miss it? For a number of reasons.

I'm going to miss some of the people. I probably won't see them as often.

It was a really valuable experience that I'm glad I didn't pass up. Yes it was frustrating, but I learned a lot. I got to see how things REALLY work behind the scenes. As an actor, you know that there is a budget for each show, but I never knew where that money came from or how a budget was determined. Advertising and programs just sort of magically appeared and it never really occurred to me that people didn't or wouldn't want to help out. I always thought it was fun!

Perhaps the thing that is hardest for me is that, as of the official end of my term on July 1, I will be on a 2 year hiatus from the theatre. It is self imposed as part of a promise to my husband. I wish I'd thought it through a little better before making that promise. The theatre is my only outlet that gets me out of the house. I wish I could say it would get me out of the house without my son, but he came with me to a lot of things. He had better attendance at board meetings than some of the other board members. He came with me to nearly every rehearsal when I produced Suds. He even came to some rehearsals for shows I acted in or stage managed. Hubby finds it difficult to watch the boy. He often needs to do estimates at night or needs to relax for a few hours before bed. People have been very patient and understanding about my needing to bring the boy with me. He took his first steps in the lobby of the theatre. He loves the stage and is a natural entertainer. I'm quite happy with him growing up at the theatre.

So what's the problem? Our second child is expected to arrive in about 6 weeks. One kid is portable and fairly easy to manage while doing something at the theatre. Two... I don't think so.

I don't know what I'm going to do to get out of the house or what I'm going to do for an outlet. I'm worried that I'm going to become bitter and resentful, or become a recluse. I can ( I hope) still do front of house once in a while and I intend of seeing all the shows for the next couple of seasons. But I'm really going to miss the camaraderie and thrill of working on shows. It gave me more of an identity than "just" a mom.

Two years is a long time.

Domestic Goddess

I dread filling out forms the ask for your occupation. I hate writing "stay at home mom" or "home maker". It's not that it's not true. I have (with my husband) decided not to return to the work force so as to raise my son full time. I just object to the terminology. I think that they are both out dated and that neither one really describes what a mom (stay at home or working) actually does.

First of all, who actually stays at home? At least in my case, my kid much prefers to be out. Outside, at a play date, shopping, at Grandma and Grandpa's house, at the park, at the beach...anywhere that isn't the same four walls. And I must say that I completely agree with him. There are swimming lessons and doctors appointments, grocery shopping and social engagements. This little boy has a better social life than I do, that's for sure.

Mom's are cooks, maids, chauffeurs, fashion consultants, social convenors, mediators, event planners, personal shoppers, playmates, enforcers, judges, social workers, teachers, nurses, creative directors, nutritionists, artists, monster scarer-awayers, boo-boo kissers, booger wipers, tear kissers, bad dream banishers and occasionally, tickle monsters.

I decided to revamp my job title when I saw my OB for the first time for my current pregnancy. His Office Admin (lovely lady!) was updating my file and asking the usual. We got to occupation. I said that I didn't work. Aileen said "like hell you don't". I paused for a moment and reflected on this. I then changed my answer to Domestic Goddess. Aileen laughed and entered it into the computer. That is how I've responded to the question ever since. I get some odd looks. That's fine

It hasn't been easy. I'm a natural Mom, a good cook with a varied repitoire, but not a natural at keeping the house clean and tidy. I love a clean home. I'm just not very good at it. I know how to clean. I'd much rather play.

A little planning, my trusty lists, and a healthy dose of self forgiveness if I slip for a few days. If I have a choice of going to the park or washing the floor...the floor is just going to have to wait. It's taken my two years, but I think I've now got this whole Domestic Goddess thing under control.

Of course I'm now 32 1/2 weeks pregnant. Not like that could possible throw a wrench into the works, right?

Me

So many things I want to write about. My boy, my pregnancy and all the thoughts, worries, hopes and fears that go along with that, how fast the time flies and how precious it all is. But I'm going to write about me.

I am profoundly lonely and sad.

Maybe it's the baby blues, maybe it's not. But I spend an enormous amount of time alone. And I very rarely get a break. I don't know how many nights my son has been alive, but I have been on night duty for all of them but one when he spent the night at Grandma and Grandpa's house without me. One night in over two years. He rarely sleeps through the night.

I do the baths. I do bedtime. I read the stories and sing the songs and play the games.

I have a husband. I love him. I really wish he's help me out more though.

Don't get me wrong. My darling husband works very hard so that I can stay at home with the lad. He's a contractor and has his own business. It does fairly well, so we're doing okay. But he's tired when he gets home from work. He needs a few hours of down time to drink beer, watch tv and play video games brfore he can try to go to bed. On the weekends, when I'm exhausted from my 24/7 toddler and would kill for a nap and a shower and - God forbid - a little me time, my husband takes a nap for a few hours and I try to keep the kid from disturbing him too much.

I'm not saying it's right or fair. I'm just saying that's how it is.

I've become very isolated from my friends. A good deal of that is my doing. But it get's hard coming up with excuses when he never wants to go anywhere with my friends. That and so many live too far away to easily see on a regular basis.

Sigh. Boy is up... enough self pity for now.

Temper Tantrums and Time Outs

As I sit here, watching the Leafs prepare for the golf course in a couple days, my son is quietly playing with his train set, cat lying beside him watching. He's been at it for about 45 minutes. It's truly a beautiful and peaceful sight. I don't know where this child came from. The past 48 hours have included Bren completely trashing the bathroom - twice, drawing on any surface he could find, pulling everything out of the fridge, untold horrors inflicted upon the cats, eating diaper cream (because I said no), smashing his father in the face with his little hockey stick, countless time outs and a 90 minute temper tantrum where he tested out head banging. I don't think he liked that very much. At 6 months pregnant now, I can't keep up. Hopefully, he'll give me a day off from the Terrible Twos here and there. Like I keep telling him, he's lucky he's cute.

Been a While...

Why is it that I always think of something to write as I'm lying in bed with no intention of getting up? Oh well. Maybe one day I'll get some of it written down.

But as for now, I'll stick to the present. I signed Brendan up for the Spring session of swimming and Tumblebugs this afternoon then went shopping at Walmart. I was impressed. He was extremely well behaved for a good 2 hours. I let him run around a fair bit. He's pretty good about that. He'll giggle and run away, but then turn around and wait for me to catch him. He's not a big fan of staying strapped in the cart. He much prefers to sit underneith. And as long as he gets to hold something he's happy as can be.

And I suppose, since I have been less than great at sitting down and writing, I should mention that we are expecting again! I'm about 20 weeks along and due July 24th. I'm excited, but this is so different thanthe first time. I still don't feel pregnant! No morning sickness, no unusual cravings, nothing! I mean, I'm showing and I can feel the little thing squirming around in there, but I don't FEEL pregnant. I actually forget sometimes!

Don't know yet if it's a boy or girl. The technician for my latest ultrasound was, um, how do you say... not good. The ultrasound took almost twice as long as it should have, she obviously didn't want to touch me and told me there might be a gas bubble in the way (SO TRY TO MOVE IT!!!) because she couldn't see the nose or upper lip. First off, I don't think she was supposed to say something like that. If I wasn't so angry, I'd probably have freaked out over that! THen she seemed really pissed off that my husband and I wanted to see the image. I never did get to see, only my husband did. I learned two things from this. A) never book an appointment right before lunch (maybe she was just really hungry?) and B) I won't go there again. I'll go to either the place I went for my first pregnancy or to the one at my GP's office.

So for now, we're calling it Due (Italian for Two). I kinda like it.

Should get to bed. Clocks spring forward tonight and Brendan and I have to get up early to head downtown. We're going to a St. Patty's Day Brunch with another Mommy friend (whom I've known for about 20 years). Erin Go Braugh!